Wine Lovers Alert: 9 Wine Gadgets You Have To Own
Here’s something to mull over the next time you’re sipping from the spring of fermented grapes: In 2017, the wine industry hit a new watermark when it was estimated that worldwide it had moved over 243 million hectoliters. That’s over 20 million more hectoliters than at the start of the new millennium.
As of 2017, according to a rather self-serving study conducted by John Dunham & Associates and commissioned by WineAmerica, the US wine industry had a substantial impact on the country's economy of over $219.9 billion greenbacks.
"It was not out of idle curiosity, but because we wanted to prove our industry's importance next time we needed to storm the Hill. This gives us some real, fact-based data to say: This is what we mean to your economy."
Jim Trezise, President Of WineAmerica
In other words, the Bacchu’s attack hounds, the top dogs, came out on the playing field and demolished the tea-toddlers cries and woes. In a one-two punch, K.O., they turned away naysayers. Basically, that BIG BOOZE slapped onto the American’s plate the fact that they employed over 1 billion people directly, not to mention 1.7 million in tangent jobs as suppliers, farmers, local wine tourism, education, advertising, research, etc. In taxes alone, on a Federal level, Big Wine wrestled over $31.3 billion, in addition to $5.2 billion in consumption taxes.
All of this can easily be interpreted as… YUP, we love our happy grape juice! Our blotto, red-faced, Cabernet swilling quality of life is as American as Budweiser and PBR.
And, like all tackle swinging neanderthals out there, the Y Chromosome impulses a need deep inside our genetic makeup. A need, a yearning, a necessity to show the world our passion. As men, Iconic or Not, one thing will always tie us together in the cultural miasma that is macho play… WE LIKE TO COLLECT.
We love to have things, doohickeys, baubles, and trinkets… More than Ariel in The Little Mermaid. If it’s fancy, new, vogue or even partially interesting we will find a way to slip its charge onto our credit card.
We are drunks, pardon the pun, sipping heavy from that chalice of collection. Smacking our lips on the last drop and going to the bartender:
“Hey, Joe, another round! What do you mean you’re cutting me off? What do you mean you’re name isn’t Joe? What do you mean this isn’t a bar? Will you stop being such a smart alec and simply uncork another Californian redhead? Or a blond from Paris?”
To sum it up:
BOYS AND OUR TOYS
So, without further fanfare, here are 11 gadgets and trinkets to pop out the next time you have your friend over. Get ready to watch how their mouth falls open; dumbstruck, catching flies and oozing envy on account of your newest acquisition
1. Bosch IXO Vino Cordless Lithium-Ion Screwdriver with Corkscrew Attachment
A limited edition all powerful suffer no fools, handyman, Cordless Screwdriver with a CorkScrew attachment. Build your son’s treehouse, finally screw that wedding photo your constantly being nagged on, buff out some rust from the underside of your bike and then use the tool to pop open a bottle of Argentinian Merlot.
2. Soiree Bottle-Top Wine Decanter & Aerator
The Soiree creates the necessary intermediate stage of infusing your wine with oxygen and then tossing the mixed in elixir straight into your glass. Notice the subtleties and character of your wine right from the get-go… no need to wait until that sucker properly “opens” itself up.
3. Cooper Cooler Rapid Beverage & Wine Chiller
Go all Mister Freeze on that pesky bottle of wine you bought at Whole Foods, the same one whose label reads “serve chilled” but the shelf boy forgot to stick in the fridge. Don’t damn the dullard to blackest regions of Hell for his infraction, simply go home and slip that fella - the bottle not the dimwitted stock reprobate - into this fancy device. In 6-10 minutes your bottle will enter an Arctic winter that would have baffled White Walkers and have the Night King going: “damn, that’s cold.”
4. Vintorio Wine Aerator Pourer
“Jerry, geez, you spilled the wine. Now, look at the carpet. My mom warned me about you and your ilk.”
You, looking at the bane of every oenophile's existence contemplating a divorce and remembering Jerry Reed’s wise advice:
“She got the goldmine (She got the goldmine)
I got the shaft (I got the shaft)
They split it right down the middle
And then they gave her the better half…”
So before you go and do something drastic to invest in this little beauty. Not only does it prevent spills, but it actually decants your wine.
5. Koldfront 18 Bottle Dual Zone Thermoelectric Wine Cooler
A real enthusiast needs the badge of the office… You aren’t a wine lover until you’ve gone online and broken the bank on a true wine fridge. Something that will display to the world how truly serious you are about your new paramour. This is the equivalent of going to your steady bang buddy and telling her:
“I think we should stop seeing other people and make this an exclusive deal.”
This is you forking over your High School Ring and going steady. And Koldfront’s products are the real deal. Energy efficient. Vibration free. With a lockable door. And quiet as a mouse.
6. Vacu Vin Wine Saver with 2 Vacuum Stoppers
You just want a nip, not the whole bottle. Just a cup, cause tomorrow you have to work. But, gasp, it’s a sin to crack open a whole bottle of fine Chablis and then simply storing it back in of the fridge. Once oxygen enters the bottle you’re screwed… the bold flavor becomes flat and unpleasant. Well, before you have to make a Sophie’s Choice… “To get Drunk or not to get drunk? That is the question.” Invest in this little pump that sucks the nasty O2 out and seals your baby; maxing out its lifespan… You dodged that bullet.
7. Coravin Model One Wine System
If you really want to turn heads and look like a mad scientist in the process, then look no further and splurge on this baby. A corkscrew that seems plucked straight from a surgical theater. This gizmo sneaks in a sharp needle into the wine bottle at the press of a button. Once it has penetrated that barrier it’ll suck out the wine straight into your glass, while also realizing argon gas into the bottle. The inert gas maintains your wine intact, its bouquet preserved in the same state as the winemaker’s intended it.
When you’re doing this, please put on a lab coat and laugh maniacally; if possible with some heavy lightning in the background.
8. Peugeot Clef du Vin "Travel" Wine Tool
Time, the devil that chases every wine lover.
“Honey, it’s called patience. Delayed gratification. You can’t open it yet.”
You, meanwhile, nipping nervously, looking at the bottle, willing it to peak and reach its potential. Luckily, you won't have to employ magical pact with pagan gods to speed up the passage of time, thanks to this fella’ the good people at Peugeot dreamed up. The metals at the end of this tool react with the liquid to stimulate oxidation. For every second you dip this stout stick into your bottle the wine ages by one year.
“Yeah, science, bitch!”
9. Wine Folly: Magnum Edition
Wine lingo, at the beginning it might as well be advanced Klingon. This little book is filled to the rafters with graphs, charts, pairings; an idiots guide on how to steer through wine’s upturned nose wasp-like mean streets. This Magnus-opus will help you:
“Fake it, til’’ you make it.”
Here’s some parting advice:
The only real gadget a wine lover needs in order to partake of God’s nectar is the same doodad essential in the Iconic Man lifestyle… a trusty Swiss Army Knife - added bonus if it’s a family heirloom pilfered from a dead Nazi during WWII. And even that holy relic is superfluous with some sorority corkscrew tricks.
Still, if you can’t afford any of the above, and daddy don't leave you his trusty knife, or simply live a monastic life, one guided by the axiom of less is more, then the only true thing a good wine lover needs is… wait for it… it’s a biggie…
MORE FREAKING WINE!
All these gadgets are great, but they come in second or third place to a well-stocked cupboard.
Give us a shout below with your favorite wine, wine story, or wild bacchanalia… Oh, and one last thing before signing of, for the next time you toast:
“Bacchus, we drink in the hopes that someday you will come and join us! You, the God of Intoxication, are the party starter of Rome. You show no care for any pains, misery, or failure. Let us all learn, to be as calm and relaxed as you. Come to our festivals, to drink!”
Ancient translated prayer to the God Bacchus---- He of a good time in old Rome. That dude knew how to party!
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