Benching has been around for ages - don't act surprised!
This new expression is rising in popularity and you need to know what it means and if a girl might be doing it to you or you to her
If you've heard the expression but don’t know what it means we are here to enlighten you. Benching (as per Urban dictionary) is: “ when you start dating someone you think is nice and who has potential, but you're not crazy about them. You don't know whether to keep dating them, or dump them and move on to the next one. This is where benching happens; instead of going for either of the above polarized options, you put your date in your mental 'maybe' folder and 'bench them' so you date around to see what else is out there.” Sounds horrible? Guess what? Both men and women do it and we’re here to help you identify when you’re being benched.
Have you ever dated a girl for a while, maybe slept with her a couple of times but you weren’t sure if she’s girlfriend material? You kept her around because you sort of liked her and you would go on the occasional date, but you didn’t want to clarify things. You weren’t just fuck buddies; you met outside the bedroom, texted and sexted, even made phone calls to one another. Still you didn’t want her to get too comfortable, so you only contacted her when you were feeling low or bored and so on. Whenever you felt like she was drifting apart, you would reach out to her and ask her on a date. Sounds familiar? If you have done this, it means you’ve been benching that girl.
Often, as male human beings, we want to be absolutely sure before classifying a relationship as serious. We want to examine all of our options and make sure the girl we choose, is the best we can do. Occasionally, we want to date more than one a girl at the same time to give ourselves a safety blanket. Hence, we become benchers.
It is a huge ego boost knowing that a person wants you and will always be available to you. You will text or call them when you are at a party, you are not having fun, or perhaps ask advise on what to wear for corporate events. She’s like a friend you get to sleep with or not (there are benchers who keep their hands to themselves) because deep down, you have already made up your mind whether you like her or not. But you string her along anyway, because it's better than nothing.
You know in your heart why you are doing this. Because after years of chasing girls and getting rejected (at least a couple of times) you want to have them 'on hold' for a change. You want to be in control. It’s a great solution when you are alone on a Saturday night or when you want a quality conversation. We don’t bench women who are stupid or boring. We bench those ones who have potential but are not 100% what we are looking for/dreaming of.
How did benching became so popular? Well, dating apps contributed to this vastly. An app gives you the opportunity to simply chat with a girl for ages and not commit to a date with her. Or if you do go on a date, you can keep it casual via contacting her solely through the app. She doesn’t have your phone number and can contact you only through the app. Ideal for a man who doesn’t want a girl to get too attached or know how to contact him at all times.
Well, two can play that part. And you too can find yourself on the other side of the bench. There are simple signs to understand whether you’ve been benched or simply ignored. Read the list below and try to identify if the girl you are chatting with is benching you.
2) You eventually go on an amazing date. You have sex. And she disappears into the night. She doesn’t even reply back to your next day courtesy text. And you can’t blame it on the sex or the date because it was amazing. You had intimacy and you clicked. Two scenarios are possible: a) she is ghosting b) she is benching you. Both of them suck.
3) She is not in a good place right now to date you. This is the excuse. Having said that, she invites you to weddings, work parties and other random events she needs an escort for. You show up like a knight in your shining armour to rescue her from feeling like the odd one out, then the following day she's gone quiet on you again.
4) You don’t care about dating anymore. You gave up on your dating apps or trying to hookup with girls you meet in bar. You don’t even bother to meet girls at bars anymore. You are busy keep your bench warm for the next time her grace decides to sit back on it. Lame!
5) She seems super busy to talk to you or go on a date but she is always out according to her Instagram feed. Yes, you stalk her a lot because you want to know what she is doing. Stop it immediately! First of all she can see that you watched her stories (damn Insta) and secondly, it can very easily become an addiction and you might be referred to as her stalker.
6) She finally contacts you at the moment you were ready to write her off. Most likely she will text you (a phone call after pulling a disappearing act is rare) and of course you can’t help but reply. If you are a hopeless romantic, you will pray this is the last time she disappears on you. If you are a realist, you will decide to start ghosting her and try get yourself a date with a decent human being.
More often than not, men will find themselves on both sides of the bench. For me it’s alarming when you are always considered to be the benchee or the bencher. Benching is unhealthy and shouldn’t be normalized. Every man can do it occasionally but once it becomes a habitual practice, it can be a real issue. As Confucius once said: “Do not Do unto others what you don't want others Do unto you.”