Business

JPMorgan & Chase: the history, benefits and Chase career opportunities.

Max Longstone
20 May 2019
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2172

Here at IconicMan, we’re firm believers of hounding out the truth where ever it might lead us. From scooping out a Fugitive, an elusive fact, and going all Tommy Lee Jones on their ass.

“… A hard target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in the area..”

We slap the carcass of the truth onto the dissection board and give our bloodthirsty savage audience the truth; the guts, the grime and even the fatty entrails. We make out with the good, bump uglies with the bad, and - unfortunately - go skinny dipping with the ugly. Cause we are IconicMan and we can take it.

We’re going to talk about JPMorgan careers, job opportunities in JPMorgan and a whole lot more.

So, with that said, here’s the coroner’s report on that petulant beast called JPMorgan Chase.

A History Of JPMorgan Chase

The whole enchilada got into the salsa of things way back in 1798. The big-ticket item in that bleak Manhattan of yesteryears were coffins. Every dime store dealer and corner store peddler piggybacking their livelihood on a rather Apocalyptic bout of Yellow Fever. Itinerant vendors breaking the bank and needing a clean cut place to haul their loot. The market was in the midst of a perfect storm for someone with vision and some icicles swimming through their veins.

Cometh The Iceman From The Hill.. Aaron Burr, the departing 3rd President of the United States had just been elected out of the office and the old bloke needed a new venture to hitch his name to. The situation in Manhattan was ripe for some duplicity and back door dealing… and who better to orchestrate the heist than the man who had the pulse of the country and every politician in his pocket. Burr ready to reap the winds.

Aaron Burr went and established the Manhattan Company in 1799; the whole endeavor sold to the big shot at the Capital as a philanthropic venture promoted with the objective to bring clean safe water from the Bronx River, but in reality, it was nothing more than a cheap front. Burr funneling and cooking up his books in order to spearhead and create New York’s Second Bank; the man rivaling Alexander Hamilton’s Bank of New York. The first accounts? Those crafty vendors with a perchance for wooden caskets.

77 years later, The Bank of Manhattan Company was steamrolling into history as one of the biggest financial institutions in the Industrial Revolution, but it had a bit of competition knocking at its doors.

John Thompson, an upstart lottery ticket dealer, decided to expand his empire into bank notes. He created the Chase National Bank; naming the joint after the former United States Treasury Secretary and Chief Justice Salmon P. Chase.

In the early 30’s, Thompson’s little bank had managed to wrestle big shakers and movers in its coffers. Chase had managed to sign on the likes of General Electric, RCA, John D. Rockefeller Jr., Standard Oil, ExxonMobil, etc.

Suddenly, Chase the barracuda became a rather tempting morsel for the likes of Aaron Burr’s legacy… CHOMP went The Bank of Manhattan Company and in a feat of fast lawyer haggling, a merger was made and The Chase Manhattan Corporation was officially born.

For decades the Great White Shark swam like a dominant predator through the oceans of Wall Street. It continued evolving, snacking on the likes of The Hanover Corporation, then nibbling and swallowing whole the Chemical Bank firm, and finally, after it had gained Megalodon proportions, it set its hungry eyes on a whale… The investing firm of JP Morgan & Company. Morgan’s stockholders, already apex predators, saw the benefits of an alliance. Mutant financial inbreeding took place.

On July 1996, Godzilla was gestated and brought to term… and the iteration known as JPMorgan Chase gave off a radioactive roar on Wall Street and the world put on its sunscreen on account of the massive radioactive wave. Tokyo, not to mention every other market, trembled.

JPMorgan By The Numbers

“It's the Thanos of banks! Kneel in front of our new overlord.”

Max Longstone
Party Animal/Esquire.

And, after all, isn’t that what we want? A big fire breathing dragon hoarding and protecting our gold? Our own personal Smaug to kick back those booze-swilling dwarfs in cahoots with scruffy pirates; clawing at our booty.

Let’s get down to the neat and gritty and take a close, by numbers, look at this titan. Let’s shake the box and see if we can rattle Pandora and spring lose some interesting skeletons.

JPMorgan Is KAIJU SIZE:

The $2.5 trillion worth of assets on its balance sheet ranks it first among banks in the United States in terms of size. That’s only a drop in the bucket to the almost 25 Trillion bucks its clients have entrusted into their control.

IT’S A UNIVERSAL BANK:

Not only in scope but also power. It has its finger firmly planted in every region across the globe. Its digits in over 100 market pies. And that pie, with its greedy finger can’t get enough. It isn’t limited to geographical lay lines, nope, it also likes to take scoops from bonds, shares, and investments; Chase being both a commercial as well as an investment bank.

IT’S RUN BY LEX LUTHOR:

Its current main honcho is a man who has his ship not only seaworthy but ready for war. He’s the sort of man who eats chess pieces for their fiber content and does Sudoku puzzles while taking his post coffee constitutional. Jamie Dimon is a banking Zulu warrior that's considered by many to be one of the best bankers of this generation. He cut his teeth working for the cabal that masterminded the Citigroup merger. One of the only black spots in his repertoire is the fact that he was fired from that prestigious Legion Of Doom when he refused to promote the big shot’s daughter. Dimon, after saying no to nepotism, was rapidly netted up by a down on its luck Bank One; he turned that Ohia icon into a gold mine in less than a year and was instrumental in fattening the babe up and baiting the likes of JPMorgan Chase.

EVERYTHING PLUS A SIDE ORDER OF FRIES:

They have it all. Due to the fact that it got plumb snacking on everything that stepped in its way, JPMorgan Chase is the sort of behemoth with all manner of divisions. Checking; Savings; credit cards; mortgages; loans; over 5,000 branches in the USA and ATMs coming out of the works like pesky dandelions.

“It pays to shop around and get all manner of benefits from diverse financial institutions, but if you want to streamline your needs in one single company and have everything at hand, then Chase is your best bet.”

James Hayes
Financial Guru and Investor

TECHNOLOGICALLY SAVVY:

Chase invested heavily into getting quite friendly with today's tech… to the point where cross-pollination and hanky panky took place. Every year it’s awarded all manner of customer friendly trophies for its intuitive website and its state of the art phone app.

FREE MONEY:

Chase didn’t invent it but the bank quickly jumped on the bandwagon. It likes baiting possible clients with all manner of prizes and rewards. For example, when you sign on for a Chase Total Checkings account you get 200 smackers when you set up a direct deposit. Add a healthy 10.000 bucks to a new Chase Saving account and maintain that balance for 20 business days and whammo! Here’s an extra 150, just cause you’re so swell.

And then, it starts pouring on the credit card signup bonuses. A crafty knave can make himself a buck or two staking up the prizes.

There are a couple of other incentives to consider. Like the fact that you can open an account with just a quarter. Or the fact that if you adhere to some simple points you won't have to pay a single fee.

Chase is one of the big banks right now trying to wrangle you into their offices… Bank of America and Wells Fargo doing their own stripper pole dance for your dough. Is it the best bank out there? It has its drawback (low-interest rates on deposit… almost nonexistent at 0.1%). It has its turgid history, Yellow Fever and coffin wholesale being a skeleton they can’t hide…

Why JPMorgan is such a hot “number two,” in the work force and why Chase jobs are so coveted

You need a job and, frankly, McDonalds ain’t cutting the bills in half… on the contrary, a steady diet of BigMacs has only increased your doctor’s honorariums. Your wife is slinging in expletives and telling you to actually make the MBA do something; it might be a lame dog to some, but that three-legged greyhound cost you “debts that no other man can pay” and your inner Springsteen is coming up short. You need a win. You need a career at JPMorgan.

Well, maybe, just maybe, you’re the right stuff for the crew at JPMorgan… Coffin salesmen need not apply.

A Mass Employer:

With more than 250.000 underlings to its name.

Discounts:

JPMorgan offers its banking dogs of war more benefits and coupons than the Sunday newspaper. From electronics, to banking services, to tourist whammy, to fitness programs. JPMorgan goes in big with its regional perks. Unfortunately, for those in the Las Vegas area, it does not offer complimentary lap dances… But give it time.

Health Care and Insurance Plans:

You can finally toss Obama Care out the window and actually have medical coverage that is on par with the rest of the human race; not that program that had you wrestling with bums for an Aspirin. Chase gives you a comprehensive program that serves as an umbrella not only for you but for your dependents. If you get trampled by a car on the street, or your cute honey bunny finally decides to cut your balls off for eyeing the blond waitress too much, Chase will protect your income in case you have to sit work out while recuperating.

Wellness Programs:

Onsite fitness centers; screenings and assessments; health coaches; counseling; work-life assistance; tobacco cessation program… Chase wants you to life until you croak on the job and in your office or cubicle. They will take care of all your needs… Why? Do they really love you so much? Nah. You’re a valuable work pawn; it simply cost them more to replace you… But, at least they but a dollar sign on you and, luckily, the balance comes in your favor.

Tuition Reimbursement:

Hurray!!! You heard it. You wont have to sell off your kidney in the black market just for an education. There are dozens of companies out there that offer a tuition reimbursement to their employees. Google, Starbucks, Chevron, UPS and, yes, you guessed it, JPMorgan Chase.

Pension Plans:

Every company with a good pedigree offers pension plans, even Burger King. JPMorgan Chase, for instance, pays old time quitters (or retirees) an annual pension and offers a 401k plan that matches their contribution, buck to buck, for up to 5% of their compensation. You can also do a heist and take out the whole thing as a lump sum in cash rather than monthly payments.

JP Morgan & Chase City London Canary Whraf

Networking:

JPMorgan has an enormous alumni network. It has the brightest weasels and Wall Street knaves this side of “The Big Short”… And that’s a good thing. You’ll be in an ocean of sharks. You’ll either have to evolve and get with the groove of their ambitions or sink to the bottom and start a horticulture career out in the moorlands. This is the place to make connections. The place to start swimming with the big boys. Countless opportunities and array of areas to move up.

Work Force Investment:

JPMorgan highly invests in their workers. They are the sort of Empire that wants its Stormtroopers to shoot straight. They will train you, formally and informally. Educate you. Send you out to seminars. Propel your career forwards.

Other Benefits:

Free transport from certain areas. Handsome salary (this is a give-in), daily meal coupons per shift, classroom training and, sometimes, even job related trips to high-end resorts.

I’m just here to lay down the fact and tell you that if you don’t want to shop around then Chase is your best option for a lot of things. It has everything you actually need to keep your greenbacks safe and get your career rolling.

Is it the Empire?… Well that depends…. But, if it were, is it really that bad? I mean, look at the state of that ball of yarn when the Rebels or the Republic were managing the show. Palpatine and Vader might have been a couple of dung weasels, but they ran a tight ship. Don’t believe my analogy, then just run Trump’s economy and unemployment numbers against Obama’s; I might not like the guy, but boy does it seem like he knows what he’s doing.

Go over to a branch and let them do a little jiggle for you, have a financial lap dance while you contemplate which bank to stick your bag of dollars in. Let them fill you in on the goods they offer. That’s the best advice I can give you. It’s way better than the first economical nugget of wisdom my father imparted:

“Max, the reason I picked Wells is cause’ they have cowboys on their walls…”

No wonder he traded it in for all those magic beans. Yup, I ran over to Chase.