How She Sleeps - What your partner's sleeping patterns can tell you about your relationship
To sleep, perchance to dream. Since the dawn of time, the mysterious realms of sleep have been a well-spring of fascination. Human history is littered with tales of Iconic Men turning to sleep as a source of wisdom and guidance. The secrets of these nocturnal realms have led to the waging of wars, the toppling of empires, and even the birth of new religions. Sleep has always been a place of knowledge and power.
Today, few of us pay attention to sleep, we shrug off dreams as fanciful hallucinations and treat sleeping much as we treat our phone charger, a necessary but otherwise dull and irrelevant requirement. Interest in such things, many say, is best left to hippies and housewives.
However, iconic men who wish to be on top of their game should embrace every opportunity to learn. It's vital to remain alert and observant, to embrace any opportunity for insight. Sleep is one such area.
There is, perhaps, no subject closer to a man's heart than the battlefield of the heart. What insights can sleep provide that will improve your romantic encounters? What does your partner's sleep tell you about her feelings towards you?
We each spend roughly a third of our lives sleeping and it is during sleep that we are most vulnerable, that our defenses, both physically and psychologically, are at their lowest. Indeed, evolutionary biologists have long stated that this vulnerability demonstrates the vital importance of sleep—after all, if sleep were not of great importance, why would nature have deemed such a regular and dangerous activity mandatory?
It is unsurprising then, that this nightly period of vulnerability offers some fascinating insights into the psychology of the sleeper. This becomes especially apparent when one shares a sleeping space.
Indeed, the position one adopts when sharing a bed can act as an important barometer reflecting the health and nature of the relationship. In many ways, your partner's sleeping pattern acts as a portal into their private thoughts about you!
The Shape of Sleep
When sleeping alone we each have a preferred sleeping style. These positions can offer insights into the psychology of the individual.
A good place to start when attempting to understand the dynamics of you and your partners sleeping style is to understand their lone-sleeping preference. This acts as a foundation from which you can make your assessment.
Often when sharing a bed, especially among new couples, the default is to adopt one's prefered style. This explains the awkward "bed-battles" that occur in the early days of a relationship, that shifting and squirming that occurs when these power dynamics are first being settled and both partners are attempting to adopt their preferred position.
It is how these positions interact and merge over time that can give us the clearest insights into a relationship's health, but we'll get to that later!
FOETUS
Sleeping on one's side with legs and arms curled towards the body.
This is one of the most common sleeping positions, with some studies reporting that roughly 41% of sleepers adopting this position.
Meaning: This is something of a defensive position and can often demonstrate a sensitive and private individual. The foetus position is an attempt to shut out the outside world, it is a position of withdrawal and privacy. This is the position most often seen when strangers are required to sleep in the same space. Long haul flights are full of passengers desperately attempting to adopt the foetus position under less than ideal circumstances. It is a defensive position that can show the sleeper is not entirely comfortable in their surroundings.
STARFISH
Sleeping on one's back, legs splayed open and with arms behind the head.
Meaning: This is the polar opposite of the foetus position. Those who adopt the starfish position feel safe, relaxed, and comfortable in their surroundings. It is a position of calm confidence. This is the most relaxed of all the sleeping positions and is a great sign that the sleeper feels comfortable and at-home.
FREEFALLER
Sleeping on one's stomach, head to the side, legs apart, and arms beneath the head or wrapped around the pillow.
Meaning: Like the starfish, this position demonstrates comfort in one's surroundings. However, this is a more private position and, like the foetus position, is an attempt to shut-out the world. This position can demonstrate an individual in a relaxed but private state.
LOG
Sleeping on one's side with legs and arms straight.
Meaning: This is a relaxed version of the foetus position. The sleeper is somewhat more comfortable in their surroundings but not entirely at ease. Generally, sleepers in this position are feeling somewhat vulnerable or highly-strung.
SOLDIER
Sleeping on one's back, legs straight and close together, arms straight and by one's sides.
Meaning: This position is a slightly more relaxed version of the log. It represents a sleeper that is at ease but feeling somewhat self-aware and reserved. Unfortunately, the soldier position lends itself to snoring!
HUGGER
Sleeping on one's side, legs sprawled apart and arms outstretched as if looking for something to hug (or hugging a pillow).
Meaning: This is a relaxed sleeping position, similar in many ways to the starfish, however, it is most often seen in those who crave company. Therefore it's a common position for those who are recently single and are used to sharing a bed. This is a submissive position and tends to demonstrate a need for support or an affectionate disposition.
Keeping it Real
Of course, these are all very broad explanations that certainly do not fit all circumstances, but they're a good starting point. Remember, simple physical conditions such as one's health, the temperature of the room, or other practical matters may exert a stronger influence on one's choice of sleeping position; there is plenty of room for interpretation.
However, as a rule, open sleeping positions tend to demonstrate an individual that feels comfortable and relaxed, closed positions those who feel insecure or require privacy.
Putting it all Together
As you can imagine, these default positions can combine in all manner of creative variations. As with personalities, sometimes the most unlikely combinations work.
Once you have established you and your partners default sleeping preferences, it's then a matter of applying a little detective work to establish the relationship dynamics. This isn't astrology and there are no metaphysical rules to live by, instead, use your intelligence to rationally analyse the dynamic is the best approach.
However, there are certain signs to look out:
The Signs
Do you and your partner sleep stuck together like clams, or like lone wolves curled at opposite sides of the bed?
The physical distance between you and your partner's sleeping bodies is a direct yardstick for your emotional closeness. Instinctively we all know that sleeping in the arms of your lover is a good sign while a cold empty gap between your two turned backs isn't.
This is an important sign and one best not ignored. The vulnerable and unfiltered state of sleep is often the first place a growing divide can be noticed. If you're sleeping further and further apart, it's time to start working on rebuilding your emotional ties.
Indeed, the single among you who are stalwarts of the one-night-stand will be all too familiar with this style of shared sleeping. You may have been intimately close moments before, but once the bedroom gymnastics are over, the reality of your emotional distance is soon reflected in that cold empty gap between your sleeping bodies.
An imbalance in this dynamic can quickly show you which partner is more invested in the relationship.
Are you always attempting physical closeness only for your partner to grunt and adopt a back-turned foetus position? The message here is that you're more into her than she is to you. Equally, if the reverse is true, you may want to take time to examine your feelings.
Again, the one-night-standers will recognize this dynamic. The insatiable "hugger" is often a bit of a red flag, perhaps this girl was after more than just the one night?!
Power Play
Almost all relationships are a power play. Dominance and submission are hardwired into human relationships and sexuality. From the extremes of the world of BDSM to the subtle dynamics of a more vanilla couple, all relationships tend to reflect some level of hierarchical interplay.
Sleeping positions are a great place to spot these and to discover your role in the relationship. Don't be fooled, even if you're the dom in your sex life, you might just find you're the sub in the relationship.
One of the most popular and famous sleeping positions is "big spoon little spoon". Spooning is generally a healthy sleeping position for couples, it demonstrates trust, closeness, and an intimate bond. However, here you find a prime example of the emotional dynamics in the relationship. In general, if you're "big spoon" you're playing the supportive dominant and nurturing role, while the "little spoon" is more emotionally submissive and in need of attention. However, even here it is the subtleties that matter most, ask yourself questions such as, who instigates this position? is it always reciprocated? etc. The answers will tell you a great deal.
Another healthy sleeping position is Starfish & Hugger. Generally, the starfish role is the "dominant provider" offering emotional support for the relationship. The hugger, once again, playing the submissive role.
As a rule, a healthy relationship will almost always be reflected in a more intimate, balanced, and physically close sleeping arrangement. The smaller the power play, the more equality in the positions, the closer the bonds.
So, if you're lucky enough to find you and your partner sleep like two starfish entwined, then be sure to count your lucky stars!
Today, few of us pay attention to sleep, we shrug off dreams as fanciful hallucinations and treat sleeping much as we treat our phone charger, a necessary but otherwise dull and irrelevant requirement. Interest in such things, many say, is best left to hippies and housewives.
However, iconic men who wish to be on top of their game should embrace every opportunity to learn. It's vital to remain alert and observant, to embrace any opportunity for insight. Sleep is one such area.
There is, perhaps, no subject closer to a man's heart than the battlefield of the heart. What insights can sleep provide that will improve your romantic encounters? What does your partner's sleep tell you about her feelings towards you?
We each spend roughly a third of our lives sleeping and it is during sleep that we are most vulnerable, that our defenses, both physically and psychologically, are at their lowest. Indeed, evolutionary biologists have long stated that this vulnerability demonstrates the vital importance of sleep—after all, if sleep were not of great importance, why would nature have deemed such a regular and dangerous activity mandatory?
It is unsurprising then, that this nightly period of vulnerability offers some fascinating insights into the psychology of the sleeper. This becomes especially apparent when one shares a sleeping space.
Indeed, the position one adopts when sharing a bed can act as an important barometer reflecting the health and nature of the relationship. In many ways, your partner's sleeping pattern acts as a portal into their private thoughts about you!
The Shape of Sleep
When sleeping alone we each have a preferred sleeping style. These positions can offer insights into the psychology of the individual.
A good place to start when attempting to understand the dynamics of you and your partners sleeping style is to understand their lone-sleeping preference. This acts as a foundation from which you can make your assessment.
Often when sharing a bed, especially among new couples, the default is to adopt one's prefered style. This explains the awkward "bed-battles" that occur in the early days of a relationship, that shifting and squirming that occurs when these power dynamics are first being settled and both partners are attempting to adopt their preferred position.
It is how these positions interact and merge over time that can give us the clearest insights into a relationship's health, but we'll get to that later!
Firstly, let's take a look at the most common lone sleeping positions.
These can be divided into roughly six categories:FOETUS
Sleeping on one's side with legs and arms curled towards the body.
This is one of the most common sleeping positions, with some studies reporting that roughly 41% of sleepers adopting this position.
Meaning: This is something of a defensive position and can often demonstrate a sensitive and private individual. The foetus position is an attempt to shut out the outside world, it is a position of withdrawal and privacy. This is the position most often seen when strangers are required to sleep in the same space. Long haul flights are full of passengers desperately attempting to adopt the foetus position under less than ideal circumstances. It is a defensive position that can show the sleeper is not entirely comfortable in their surroundings.
STARFISH
Sleeping on one's back, legs splayed open and with arms behind the head.
Meaning: This is the polar opposite of the foetus position. Those who adopt the starfish position feel safe, relaxed, and comfortable in their surroundings. It is a position of calm confidence. This is the most relaxed of all the sleeping positions and is a great sign that the sleeper feels comfortable and at-home.
FREEFALLER
Sleeping on one's stomach, head to the side, legs apart, and arms beneath the head or wrapped around the pillow.
Meaning: Like the starfish, this position demonstrates comfort in one's surroundings. However, this is a more private position and, like the foetus position, is an attempt to shut-out the world. This position can demonstrate an individual in a relaxed but private state.
LOG
Sleeping on one's side with legs and arms straight.
Meaning: This is a relaxed version of the foetus position. The sleeper is somewhat more comfortable in their surroundings but not entirely at ease. Generally, sleepers in this position are feeling somewhat vulnerable or highly-strung.
SOLDIER
Sleeping on one's back, legs straight and close together, arms straight and by one's sides.
Meaning: This position is a slightly more relaxed version of the log. It represents a sleeper that is at ease but feeling somewhat self-aware and reserved. Unfortunately, the soldier position lends itself to snoring!
HUGGER
Sleeping on one's side, legs sprawled apart and arms outstretched as if looking for something to hug (or hugging a pillow).
Meaning: This is a relaxed sleeping position, similar in many ways to the starfish, however, it is most often seen in those who crave company. Therefore it's a common position for those who are recently single and are used to sharing a bed. This is a submissive position and tends to demonstrate a need for support or an affectionate disposition.
Keeping it Real
Of course, these are all very broad explanations that certainly do not fit all circumstances, but they're a good starting point. Remember, simple physical conditions such as one's health, the temperature of the room, or other practical matters may exert a stronger influence on one's choice of sleeping position; there is plenty of room for interpretation.
However, as a rule, open sleeping positions tend to demonstrate an individual that feels comfortable and relaxed, closed positions those who feel insecure or require privacy.
Putting it all Together
As you can imagine, these default positions can combine in all manner of creative variations. As with personalities, sometimes the most unlikely combinations work.
Once you have established you and your partners default sleeping preferences, it's then a matter of applying a little detective work to establish the relationship dynamics. This isn't astrology and there are no metaphysical rules to live by, instead, use your intelligence to rationally analyse the dynamic is the best approach.
However, there are certain signs to look out:
The Signs
Do you and your partner sleep stuck together like clams, or like lone wolves curled at opposite sides of the bed?
The physical distance between you and your partner's sleeping bodies is a direct yardstick for your emotional closeness. Instinctively we all know that sleeping in the arms of your lover is a good sign while a cold empty gap between your two turned backs isn't.
This is an important sign and one best not ignored. The vulnerable and unfiltered state of sleep is often the first place a growing divide can be noticed. If you're sleeping further and further apart, it's time to start working on rebuilding your emotional ties.
Indeed, the single among you who are stalwarts of the one-night-stand will be all too familiar with this style of shared sleeping. You may have been intimately close moments before, but once the bedroom gymnastics are over, the reality of your emotional distance is soon reflected in that cold empty gap between your sleeping bodies.
An imbalance in this dynamic can quickly show you which partner is more invested in the relationship.
Are you always attempting physical closeness only for your partner to grunt and adopt a back-turned foetus position? The message here is that you're more into her than she is to you. Equally, if the reverse is true, you may want to take time to examine your feelings.
Again, the one-night-standers will recognize this dynamic. The insatiable "hugger" is often a bit of a red flag, perhaps this girl was after more than just the one night?!
Power Play
Almost all relationships are a power play. Dominance and submission are hardwired into human relationships and sexuality. From the extremes of the world of BDSM to the subtle dynamics of a more vanilla couple, all relationships tend to reflect some level of hierarchical interplay.
Sleeping positions are a great place to spot these and to discover your role in the relationship. Don't be fooled, even if you're the dom in your sex life, you might just find you're the sub in the relationship.
One of the most popular and famous sleeping positions is "big spoon little spoon". Spooning is generally a healthy sleeping position for couples, it demonstrates trust, closeness, and an intimate bond. However, here you find a prime example of the emotional dynamics in the relationship. In general, if you're "big spoon" you're playing the supportive dominant and nurturing role, while the "little spoon" is more emotionally submissive and in need of attention. However, even here it is the subtleties that matter most, ask yourself questions such as, who instigates this position? is it always reciprocated? etc. The answers will tell you a great deal.
Another healthy sleeping position is Starfish & Hugger. Generally, the starfish role is the "dominant provider" offering emotional support for the relationship. The hugger, once again, playing the submissive role.
As a rule, a healthy relationship will almost always be reflected in a more intimate, balanced, and physically close sleeping arrangement. The smaller the power play, the more equality in the positions, the closer the bonds.
So, if you're lucky enough to find you and your partner sleep like two starfish entwined, then be sure to count your lucky stars!
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Dream specialist and psychological researcher. I'm the author of best-selling lucid dreaming guidebook, "Are You Dreaming?". I also work as a sleep science consultant and dabble in YouTube. It's my passion to share the subtleties, science, and psychology of the human experience. I also have a soft spot for dogs in hats.