How do you know if you have Commitment Phobia? Are you scared of being in relationship?
What is commitment phobia and how to recognize it? In the following article we tackle this troublesome concept, which is challenging to define and “cure”. The term is tossed around a lot, becoming a sort of scapegoat for failed relationships, even if the label doesn’t always fit. Commitment phobia should be a term self-attributed and assumed, not used as a label by others. So the important question is how to self-diagnose oneself? Accepting and understanding a condition is a crucial step in healing. As guidance, we offer you a dip into the past and a couple of steps to overcome commitment phobia.
Commitment phobia definition
It has many names and it comes under many forms, so how do you recognize it and what can you do if you think you have commitment phobia? To start with, there is a clear difference between the fear of commitment and commitment phobia, the first being a lighter phase of the condition. It is also called gamophobia, derived from the Greek words gamos, meaning marriage, and phobos, which means fear. Basically, the condition can be described as an excessive fear associated to committing oneself to a relationship and/or marriage leading to the inability to do so. As seen in the definition, there are different variations of commitment phobia, it can be regarding relationships in general or specifically marriage. Which form applies to you is one important aspect you need to clarify for yourself.
The above-mentioned attitudes toward commitment tagged as unhealthy rely on the presumption that there is indeed a normal or healthy answer to relationships. But beyond this simplistic dichotomy, there are a great number of influences over the institution of love. Yes, love is institutionalized as marriage, it is governed by the social norms of acceptability and is highly salient, it changes a lot in time and space (what is accepted and promoted in a certain culture, might be condemned in another). Our Western culture, for example, is governed by monogamy and marriage, while polygamy is more accepted and legal mostly in Africa and Asia. However, there are noticeable changes occurring in our society, and marriage rates are in decline. Also, the popularity and social acceptance of non-monogamic relationships have grown, couples often engaging in consensual non-monogamy. There are even new terms and types of relationship emerging, like LAT (living apart together) for couples who choose not to share the same residence.
To the root of the problem
Next, we will take a look at some of the more interesting and controversial explanations for the fear of commitment from the field of different (softer) sciences. The first theory comes from evolutionary psychology and it basically states that men have a different genetic build, which leads them to sexual promiscuity. This is linked to their being responsible for generating descendants but not necessarily raising them. Furthermore, psycho-analytical theories place men’s identity formation in close connection to femininity, tying it to the separation from a mother figure or to the Oedipus complex. Thus it becomes more difficult for him to want or to form long-lasting relationships. Also addressing the importance of the early childhood years, but from a sociological perspective, is the Nancy Chodrow book The Reproduction of Mothering: Psychoanalysis and the Sociology of Gender. She claims that the different expectations and constitutions between men and women stem from the way the modern family is organized, with mothers having the role of taking care of children. Thus girls grow up to replicate relationships based an association, while boys lean more towards independence and separation. These theories quite clearly identify the culprits as being the men, but other scientist like Eva Illouz, do not agree with this. In her book Why Love Hurts: A Sociological Explanation, she believes that the answer lies in how freedom is institutionalized in relation to love, referring to the way men and women choose to enter into a relationship. Romantic engagement is formed in relation to the perceived opportunities, which in turn influence attachment (its speed, intensity and projection into the future).
As you can see, the roots of the problem stem deep into the ground and intertwine with each other. While the results of these studies come to some very vivid and convincing conclusions, I believe that they all shed light on different dimensions of man (from the inner workings of his psyche to the structures of society). Thus, it is worth considering more of these explanations in an attempt to understand our actions and reactions.
The above-mentioned attitudes toward commitment tagged as unhealthy rely on the presumption that there is indeed a normal or healthy answer to relationships. But beyond this simplistic dichotomy, there are a great number of influences over the institution of love. Yes, love is institutionalized as marriage, it is governed by the social norms of acceptability and is highly salient, it changes a lot in time and space (what is accepted and promoted in a certain culture, might be condemned in another). Our Western culture, for example, is governed by monogamy and marriage, while polygamy is more accepted and legal mostly in Africa and Asia. However, there are noticeable changes occurring in our society, and marriage rates are in decline. Also, the popularity and social acceptance of non-monogamic relationships have grown, couples often engaging in consensual non-monogamy. There are even new terms and types of relationship emerging, like LAT (living apart together) for couples who choose not to share the same residence.
To the root of the problem
Next, we will take a look at some of the more interesting and controversial explanations for the fear of commitment from the field of different (softer) sciences. The first theory comes from evolutionary psychology and it basically states that men have a different genetic build, which leads them to sexual promiscuity. This is linked to their being responsible for generating descendants but not necessarily raising them. Furthermore, psycho-analytical theories place men’s identity formation in close connection to femininity, tying it to the separation from a mother figure or to the Oedipus complex. Thus it becomes more difficult for him to want or to form long-lasting relationships. Also addressing the importance of the early childhood years, but from a sociological perspective, is the Nancy Chodrow book The Reproduction of Mothering: Psychoanalysis and the Sociology of Gender. She claims that the different expectations and constitutions between men and women stem from the way the modern family is organized, with mothers having the role of taking care of children. Thus girls grow up to replicate relationships based an association, while boys lean more towards independence and separation. These theories quite clearly identify the culprits as being the men, but other scientist like Eva Illouz, do not agree with this. In her book Why Love Hurts: A Sociological Explanation, she believes that the answer lies in how freedom is institutionalized in relation to love, referring to the way men and women choose to enter into a relationship. Romantic engagement is formed in relation to the perceived opportunities, which in turn influence attachment (its speed, intensity and projection into the future).
As you can see, the roots of the problem stem deep into the ground and intertwine with each other. While the results of these studies come to some very vivid and convincing conclusions, I believe that they all shed light on different dimensions of man (from the inner workings of his psyche to the structures of society). Thus, it is worth considering more of these explanations in an attempt to understand our actions and reactions.
Steps to overcome it
If you have observed a pattern of failures in establishing a relationship and wish to overcome it, here are a couple of things to consider. But, be warned this is not a cookbook recipe, which guarantees success, but rather a platform for change.
1. Understand it
The very first step is to understand the phenomenon you want to overcome: what is commitment phobia? How does it manifest in your case? How does it affect your life? For example, you should consider if you have a fear of commitment in general or if it is tied to marriage in particular. However, the good news is, that since you are here, it means that you already took the first step.
2. Find the trigger
Closely linked to the previous one, looking into ones past and identifying an event which triggered the phobia is a key step in breaking the pattern (only when it is the case, as not everyone has experienced a triggering event). Once you have identified it, you should confront it and most of all allow yourself to feel those emotions you have previously suppressed. By resolving this initial event, you can unchain your present from the past.
3. Do not overthink it!
If it feels good, then maybe it is good. Do not let planning for a future get stuck in your head and forget all about the present. Sometimes we sacrifice the present for the shadow of a future that may never come to be.
4. Limit your freedom
One of the explanations for fear of commitments stems from freedom, too much of it, that is. In our modern society, we are bombarded with options and choosing becomes increasingly more difficult. Settling down comes with the risk of missing out on something better (possibly). The way out of this conundrum is quite simple, in theory at least. When too much freedom becomes a burden, turn it against itself, limit your own freedom. By narrowing down your options, there are fewer variables to consider and control.
5. Keep a journal
Writing down your thoughts during this process of transition could help you clear your mind. Making sense of the jumbled thoughts that come up will ultimately lead to a better understanding of yourself. Also, keeping the journal has a healthy cathartic effect, it allows you to release all your negative emotions.
P.S. There is an opposite condition to gamophobia, called anuptophobia, which is (as one might expect) the fear of being single or alone. But more on this in a different post.
All in all, a condition like commitment phobia is an unmistakable byproduct of the modern age, in which we are faced with unprecedented freedom. Also, the institution of love is undergoing core changes, which do affect the personal life of individuals. It is up to each one of us to write our own narratives and change it if we see this fit. Probably the hardest challenge for anyone trying to overcome his or her commitment phobia will be to commit to the process. One final and very important recommendation for anyone venturing into this journey is to find appropriate social support. While it is ultimately an individual challenge, it is always helpful to have others help you stay on your path.
One of the explanations for fear of commitments stems from freedom, too much of it, that is. In our modern society, we are bombarded with options and choosing becomes increasingly more difficult. Settling down comes with the risk of missing out on something better (possibly). The way out of this conundrum is quite simple, in theory at least. When too much freedom becomes a burden, turn it against itself, limit your own freedom. By narrowing down your options, there are fewer variables to consider and control.
5. Keep a journal
Writing down your thoughts during this process of transition could help you clear your mind. Making sense of the jumbled thoughts that come up will ultimately lead to a better understanding of yourself. Also, keeping the journal has a healthy cathartic effect, it allows you to release all your negative emotions.
P.S. There is an opposite condition to gamophobia, called anuptophobia, which is (as one might expect) the fear of being single or alone. But more on this in a different post.
All in all, a condition like commitment phobia is an unmistakable byproduct of the modern age, in which we are faced with unprecedented freedom. Also, the institution of love is undergoing core changes, which do affect the personal life of individuals. It is up to each one of us to write our own narratives and change it if we see this fit. Probably the hardest challenge for anyone trying to overcome his or her commitment phobia will be to commit to the process. One final and very important recommendation for anyone venturing into this journey is to find appropriate social support. While it is ultimately an individual challenge, it is always helpful to have others help you stay on your path.
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A student of life and probably for life. She likes putting theory into practice and to challenge norms. Currently on a mission to understand human behavior and interaction. Always on the lookout for the next challenge.