Do you have Relationship Anxiety?
While being in a relationship, have you ever asked yourself these questions – Does she really like me? Can this truly last? Is she losing interest? If you have and you hear that critical voice in your head whispering negative thoughts about you or your relationship, then you might be experiencing Relationship Anxiety.
Tom is just a normal guy, he wakes up early in the morning, goes to the gym before work, he is well-fit and takes good care of his looks. He is also a top performer at the office, a real team player, he manages his finance smartly, he is funny and super friendly. Anyone would say Tom is the perfect guy, an Iconic Man.
Lots of girls want to date Tom, however he is not really the commitment type of guy. He goes out on a couple of dates, -but then lets the connection wear off. He rarely calls after a few days and never really engages in a relationship per se.
Our guy Tom, just recently met Vanessa and he really likes her. He has never felt this way before about any other girl, he likes her company, and he wants to keep her around. He finds himself calling her and making plans. It’s already past his regular breaking point. We could say that they are now “together” and everything seems to be working just fine. Until he stops to think about this and realizes he is in a relationship.
At this point, unconsciously he starts to create distance, the critical voice in his head wakes up and starts feeding him with doubts.
Tom is now paranoid and suspicious every time Vanessa is on the phone, he is jealous when other people say hi to her. If she has to work late, and she sometimes does, he makes all sorts of conclusions and his hostile behavior goes on for hours, even days.
So, what has changed? Why is Tom trying to sabotage his relationship? If Vanessa is still the same and there seems to be no reason for doubting her, why is he questioning their relationship?
What seems to be happening with Tom is actually very common, it’s called Relationship Anxiety or Fear of Intimacy. This is no more than that critical voice inside your head that tends to color things wrong and twist our perception every time we find ourselves experiencing love or simply being treated differently.
Relationship anxiety can originate far back in a man’s life, maybe by the influence of those who took care of him as a child, how they treated each other, the attitudes and situations that surrounded him while growing up. Or it could have been caused by the negative reflex of a bad romantic experience as a grown man.
This can be very problematic and could cause someone to shut down on love completely. However, when you identify this behavior in you…you can actually fix it!
Some behaviors may include:
• Having trust issues and doubting the relationship – questioning your loved ones or your value to them, not trusting that you are loved.
• Becoming too controlling - "People with anxiety frequently cope by trying to 'control' their lives," Rosaling Sedacca, CLC, dating and relationship coach.
• Over thinking things and taking them way too personal – When you find yourself editing what you want to say or jumping to conclusions too easily, this may also be a sign of anxiety.
• Being passive-aggressive – feeling irritable and not being able to have a conversation without igniting a fire.
How do we kick this heavy brick out of our life?
The first step is to accept that you are experiencing feelings of anxiety, you can’t fix something that you don’t accept. Now that you have, let’s talk about how to get better.
Anxiety can be the result of stress or negativity. If this is the case, exercising or simply learning some strategies to reset your thoughts, can do wonders. Exercise is considered the all time greatest medication to control anxiety. And your mind is by far the most powerful weapon you own, it can destroy you or save you, depending on how you use it. Meditate, do Yoga, learn about mindfulness.
To overcome anxiety you will need your partner onboard on this journey. If it had gone as far as compromising trust, start over. Agree to start dating as if you had just met, re-build the foundation of your relationship.
Talk about your needs. Sit down over a coffee every now and then and go over each other’s needs, write them down if you think this could work, and just do whatever is in your power to become a better you.
Try to be physically affectionate even when negative feelings are in the air. Don’t allow ordinary arguments to compromise your unity, this will send your brain reminders of confidence and trust.
Lastly, since anxiety is an unconscious feeling, if you feel that these techniques are not getting you the results that you need to conquer your happiness, it might be time to seek help. Get in contact with someone who can help you further explore the source of your anxiety and surpass those feelings.
Sometimes your need to work on your inner-self just as much as you do with your outer. After all, you’re an Iconic Man, you want to live your live to its fullest.
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