5 unforgivable sins of Monogamy. Will it benefit your health?
Monogamy is the kind of topic you discuss somewhere between your first and second date and then leave somewhere only for it to be revisited at the worst possible time. A fate worse than death awaits any man that tries to go beyond the conventional approach on the subject, lacking the necessary information. Many have tried and failed, even more have tried and did not even realize that they had failed. But what are the conventional approaches?
According to my friend John, monogamy is the life-sucking convention that religion and society have enforced upon humans to ensure the controlled perpetuation of the species and ease social tension.
Often people take monogamy as a strict black and white thing. I mean, it says it right there in the name. But relationships are more nuanced and our opinions on the matter even more so.
Monogamy is a topic that is hard on morals and mostly avoided just like talking about politics over Christmas dinner.
Everybody is going to give you their best formal response or make a joke about it. Anything will do.
The thing is that monogamy is not the main perpetrator here. The things we associate with monogamy are the real deal. Nobody was ever forced into a monogamous relationship at gunpoint, but the limitations of monogamy on what we can safely consider natural urges came to grind away at our behavior patterns, social interactions and our view of the world around us.
READ ALSO: Talk dirty to me: Why women love it in bed
These sins are the reason we tend to regard monogamy as an outdated, imposed and impossible relationship model. And you should not take that lightly because the happiness level in your relationship is a hard indicator of both mental and physical health.
But let’s have a look at what grinds our gears the most about monogamy and what makes it seem so impossible.
1. Less sexual drive
After a while, every relationship goes through a sex plateau. It sounds like a weight-loss thing and with good reason because you can overcome it or get bogged down. Your sex drive will not be as high as it was in the first two years of your relationship. And it happens to both partners.
Humans are biologically inclined to find the best match they can possibly find in order to procreate. So it is easy to assume they are equally inclined to search for them as well. We were never good at sexual exclusivity to begin with and we aren’t doing a great job now.
That is bad news for monogamy but it doesn’t spell a death sentence as there are proven ways to spice up your sex life without going the Hugh Grant Way.
2. People evolve differently
Over the years people that form a relationship begin to have other interests, begin new careers or simply discover new passions and leisure activities. That, in turn leads to people evolving outside traditional comfort zones, and also feel sometimes like they have outgrown their partner. This is one of the problems people refer to when they say "Things are not the same as they were in the beginning".
Many couples assume this stance and use it as a basis for doubting the solidity of their relationship, or as an excuse for jealousy or cheating. Others think it is fun and natural for people to evolve both inside and outside the relationship. In the end, you should take your own path and see where it leads you.
3. It doesn’t make us happy anymore
If this is the first time you heard the "Happy" argument you have not met enough women to worry about relationship types. The ugly truth is that it is true. Our expectations have changed so much that being happy has left the strict, clinical world of pragmatic thinking and wondered into wellness and being some kind of prince charming. Like any reality, it will not change whether you think it is good or bad.
Media has portrayed both men and women as consumer-driven, vacation obsessed professionals that are waiting for "The One". 50 years ago people got married in their twenties and immediately bought a house and had a baby. Going to Bali was not a priority. When expectations change, people change and so have you.
4.Too much work, too much compromise
Monogamy is still seen as a compromise based system. One where the partners find the best common ground to advance their common agenda. Often people find that the amount of back and forth over things in a relationship takes its toll on both partners and is not worth the investment. An even more common problem is that in time the partner that tries to hold on to the relationship the most, generally ends up contributing more and feeling he carries more of the burden. Already things like "contribution" and "burden" sound bad enough, especially for men.
This is one of the reasons people prefer serial monogamous relationships as it is faster and easier than rebuilding the boat at sea.
5.The freedom conundrum
What do people mean when they say they don’t have enough freedom in a relationship?
Freedom is a fluid concept that sums up the things you want to do outside constraint. In a monogamous relationship they usually stand for things you used to do before but you no longer do. It is somewhat of a false argument given the fact that you, not your partner, are responsible for the things you decided to leave behind. Nobody forced you into not going to baseball on a Friday night. It’s just that your priorities have changed. It is not a lack of freedom but a lack of pursuit that made you change your view on how you perceive your relationship.
When compared to polyamorous or open relationships, monogamy is considered healthier from an STI point of view. Alas, this belief doesn’t take into consideration the fact that one of the partners might be cheating. But health issues connected to monogamy come in both the physical and the mental form.
The stress, power struggles and sexual frustration than may show up during a long relationship will impact both partners. Monogamous couples have long been subject of couple therapy, mediation or sex therapy and the percentage of people using these therapies gets larger every year.
Such problems will sooner rather than later spill into social and professional lives. And they are not the only ones.
Complacent behavior will often creep in and partners will be less likely to follow dietary constraints or keep up with fitness activities. Weight gains and food-related disorders will pose a threat to those who fall into the complacency trap. Low fertility and erectile dysfunction are also issues that may arise in traditionally monogamous couples.
That doesn’t mean that they are specific to traditional monogamy. Polyamorous, open relationships or the serial monogamous ones, also have their fair share of health hazards.
Often the problems that couples face stem from a common root. The fact that they don’t communicate clearly enough on the emotional and sexual commitment they expect from their relationship is one of them.
Regardless of the form of relationship, don’t wait until things go south to talk about what kind of commitment you expect from each other. You will both be happier and discover ways to improve yourselves and grow as a couple if you do that from the start. It will be better, healthier, and more satisfactory like all things should be.
Monogamy for the masses
According to Cambridge, monogamy refers to the act or custom of having a sexual relationship or marriage with only one person at a time.According to my friend John, monogamy is the life-sucking convention that religion and society have enforced upon humans to ensure the controlled perpetuation of the species and ease social tension.
Often people take monogamy as a strict black and white thing. I mean, it says it right there in the name. But relationships are more nuanced and our opinions on the matter even more so.
Monogamy is a topic that is hard on morals and mostly avoided just like talking about politics over Christmas dinner.
Everybody is going to give you their best formal response or make a joke about it. Anything will do.
The thing is that monogamy is not the main perpetrator here. The things we associate with monogamy are the real deal. Nobody was ever forced into a monogamous relationship at gunpoint, but the limitations of monogamy on what we can safely consider natural urges came to grind away at our behavior patterns, social interactions and our view of the world around us.
READ ALSO: Talk dirty to me: Why women love it in bed
These sins are the reason we tend to regard monogamy as an outdated, imposed and impossible relationship model. And you should not take that lightly because the happiness level in your relationship is a hard indicator of both mental and physical health.
But let’s have a look at what grinds our gears the most about monogamy and what makes it seem so impossible.
1. Less sexual drive
After a while, every relationship goes through a sex plateau. It sounds like a weight-loss thing and with good reason because you can overcome it or get bogged down. Your sex drive will not be as high as it was in the first two years of your relationship. And it happens to both partners.
Humans are biologically inclined to find the best match they can possibly find in order to procreate. So it is easy to assume they are equally inclined to search for them as well. We were never good at sexual exclusivity to begin with and we aren’t doing a great job now.
That is bad news for monogamy but it doesn’t spell a death sentence as there are proven ways to spice up your sex life without going the Hugh Grant Way.
2. People evolve differently
Over the years people that form a relationship begin to have other interests, begin new careers or simply discover new passions and leisure activities. That, in turn leads to people evolving outside traditional comfort zones, and also feel sometimes like they have outgrown their partner. This is one of the problems people refer to when they say "Things are not the same as they were in the beginning".
Many couples assume this stance and use it as a basis for doubting the solidity of their relationship, or as an excuse for jealousy or cheating. Others think it is fun and natural for people to evolve both inside and outside the relationship. In the end, you should take your own path and see where it leads you.
3. It doesn’t make us happy anymore
If this is the first time you heard the "Happy" argument you have not met enough women to worry about relationship types. The ugly truth is that it is true. Our expectations have changed so much that being happy has left the strict, clinical world of pragmatic thinking and wondered into wellness and being some kind of prince charming. Like any reality, it will not change whether you think it is good or bad.
Media has portrayed both men and women as consumer-driven, vacation obsessed professionals that are waiting for "The One". 50 years ago people got married in their twenties and immediately bought a house and had a baby. Going to Bali was not a priority. When expectations change, people change and so have you.
4.Too much work, too much compromise
Monogamy is still seen as a compromise based system. One where the partners find the best common ground to advance their common agenda. Often people find that the amount of back and forth over things in a relationship takes its toll on both partners and is not worth the investment. An even more common problem is that in time the partner that tries to hold on to the relationship the most, generally ends up contributing more and feeling he carries more of the burden. Already things like "contribution" and "burden" sound bad enough, especially for men.
This is one of the reasons people prefer serial monogamous relationships as it is faster and easier than rebuilding the boat at sea.
5.The freedom conundrum
What do people mean when they say they don’t have enough freedom in a relationship?
Freedom is a fluid concept that sums up the things you want to do outside constraint. In a monogamous relationship they usually stand for things you used to do before but you no longer do. It is somewhat of a false argument given the fact that you, not your partner, are responsible for the things you decided to leave behind. Nobody forced you into not going to baseball on a Friday night. It’s just that your priorities have changed. It is not a lack of freedom but a lack of pursuit that made you change your view on how you perceive your relationship.
Is monogamy healthy for you?
When compared to polyamorous or open relationships, monogamy is considered healthier from an STI point of view. Alas, this belief doesn’t take into consideration the fact that one of the partners might be cheating. But health issues connected to monogamy come in both the physical and the mental form.
The stress, power struggles and sexual frustration than may show up during a long relationship will impact both partners. Monogamous couples have long been subject of couple therapy, mediation or sex therapy and the percentage of people using these therapies gets larger every year.
Such problems will sooner rather than later spill into social and professional lives. And they are not the only ones.
Complacent behavior will often creep in and partners will be less likely to follow dietary constraints or keep up with fitness activities. Weight gains and food-related disorders will pose a threat to those who fall into the complacency trap. Low fertility and erectile dysfunction are also issues that may arise in traditionally monogamous couples.
That doesn’t mean that they are specific to traditional monogamy. Polyamorous, open relationships or the serial monogamous ones, also have their fair share of health hazards.
Often the problems that couples face stem from a common root. The fact that they don’t communicate clearly enough on the emotional and sexual commitment they expect from their relationship is one of them.
Regardless of the form of relationship, don’t wait until things go south to talk about what kind of commitment you expect from each other. You will both be happier and discover ways to improve yourselves and grow as a couple if you do that from the start. It will be better, healthier, and more satisfactory like all things should be.
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Loves to play with new ideas, binge writing, traveling and gourmet coffee. Professional writer of non fiction with over 8 years experience in putting words to paper. Fan of iconic movies, sports, The Arctic Monkeys and city breaks. Yes, he knows how good his coffee is.