5 Behaviours that will kill your dating game
Dating is difficult. When puberty strikes, none of us is given a manual preparing us for the complexities of the dating game. Even late into adulthood, the mysteries of dating can remain baffling.
We’ve all been on dates that seemed amazing, only to find they mysteriously fizzled-out soon after. Why does this happen?
If you’ve ever wondered why a girl suddenly went cold or stopped returning your calls, perhaps you’ve been making a few classic mistakes.
The laws of attraction are counterintuitive, many of us have spent years being told to behave one way, when in fact, in doing so you’re shooting yourself in the foot.
Romance is a strange beast indeed!
Today we’ll look at five of the most common dating mistakes and how to avoid falling foul of them. You may be surprised by just how many you’ve been making!
Don’t become a penpal
Let’s face it, in our modern world, digital communication is the default. This is especially true in the dating world. The chances are, even if you didn’t meet your date online, you’ll probably be spending plenty of your time playing text message ping pong.
Within reason, this is perfectly normal. However, too much texting is a dangerous game that has the potential to kill attraction.
Ok, I get it, messaging is easy. We all get a little dopamine buzz when that notification from a cute girl comes through—we get addicted, we want more and more. The problem is, if you become “that guy who messages all the time”, you’ll quickly become a bore. Worse still, you’re dancing on the edge of the friend-zone, and there’s a danger that you’ll become her emotional crutch, the “nice guy” she’ll turn to after the more proactive guys have broken her heart.
READ ALSO: The Top 5 profiles to avoid on DATING APPS - How to recognize everything from the fake to the undecided
If you don’t want to become her straight “gay best friend”, then you need to keep your messaging in check.
Don’t become her pen pal. Women love communication but that doesn’t mean they are attracted to it. A great deal of the magic of attraction stems from you maintaining something of an aloof mystique. Over-sharing, or texting too often, is a great way to drench the fires of attraction.
Messaging is a tool, not a goal. You should aim to use digital communication as a means to arrange future dates, to keep pushing towards real-world interactions. This is proactive and masculine. Anything less comes across as passive and weak, aka unattractive.
Better still, dispense with text messaging unless it is entirely necessary. Instead, if you’re apart and need to contact her, give her a call. This is a more confident approach and allows for more intimate interaction.
Even so, keep communication to a bare minimum and as a means to arrange real-world meetings. Less is more. The more she misses you, the more she’ll be craving to see you again.
Don’t be needy
Did you know that salt was once more expensive than gold?
Why? Because it was a rare commodity. Yet, today nobody gives salt a second thought, it has become a throw-away product; you’d certainly not keep your spices in a vault!
If you want to avoid the salty tears of rejection, the principles of scarcity are worth bearing in mind.
Scarcity raises the value of a product, and this includes you!
Women are particularly vulnerable to the sparkling appeal of rare items. This is why companies who produce limited edition collectable items are so popular with the female market. Women love to feel that the things they possess are rare, valuable, hard to get, and are desired by others.
Being needy or making yourself too available is the polar opposite of scarcity. Being too available diminishes your worth.
If you want to trigger desire and attraction in a female mind, you need to mark yourself out as rare; someone whose time is precious. Become a scarce and valuable addition to her life.
A needy man is the equivalent of a sale item in a dollar store—useful but completely undesirable.
Don’t be that guy!
Don’t be the “nice guy”
We’ve all heard nice guys come last. Aphorisms like this exist for a reason, they reflect basic universal truths about the human experience.
As with being needy, a “nice guy” is a man who is trying to sell himself, he’s trying too hard to prove himself worthy. Men of high value need not advertise their worth or grovel to women, they add value to a woman’s life simply by being themselves. Who wants “nice” when they can have great?
Furthermore, “nice” is rarely truly nice. Women have an amazing BS detector, they can see through a ruse. Most women recognize that “nice guys” are little more than sneaky guys trying to worm their way into their good books.
Don’t underestimate or belittle a woman’s intelligence, they know what men want; they understand our motivations. Women of value respect men who take ownership and pride in themselves, men who don’t need to hide their natural desires behind a sugar-coated facade.
Not being a “nice guy” doesn’t mean that you have to be a bad guy, it simply means being real—an authentic, self-respecting, and honest man.
Women aren’t perfect and they respect a man who respects himself. If she’s playing up, don’t become a simpering sycophant who considers himself a nice guy for doing so, call her out on it, honestly. Nice guys put women on a pedestal they never asked for, real men treat women as equals.
Don’t be weak and passive
“He didn’t take control”.
Many women cite this as their top complaint regarding failed first dates.
Despite what popular culture and the “new man” ideology espouse, women find weak and indecisive men a huge turn-off.
Yes, men and women are equal, and yes, a woman’s opinion is just as valuable as that of a man. However, in the dating game, we’re dealing with primitive desires, desires that were encoded into our species long before language, and aeons before fashionable, and entirely commendable, philosophies regarding egalitarianism came into being.
As a result, women still find strong, decisive, and confident men attractive. It’s hard-wired into our mating rituals.
While you should always respect and accept a woman’s needs and opinions, be ready to take the lead and to make decisions during a date. This is your role. If she doesn’t like it, she’ll soon let you know—and if she does, listen!.
Despite what some ideological gender radicals may say, this isn’t demeaning or disrespectful, quite the opposite, it’s the epitome of respect. On a date, the woman is your guest. Just as it is polite and charming to play the host for any non-romantic guests, male or female, this applies equally to the dating game.
It’s a far safer bet to trust years of biology over modern ideologies when it comes to attraction.
Be a strong and proactive man and sweep her off her feet.
Don’t be a green-eyed monster
The green-eyed monster is a tricky beast. Just like a spice, too little and you’ll appear bland, too much and you’ll be entirely repulsive.
In tiny and well-controlled amounts, jealousy is a natural part of dating, it’s a sign that you want someone, that you are invested in exclusivity. A hint of jealousy can be a huge compliment.
However, the name “green-eyed monster” is no coincidence, this natural expression of the urge to exclusively pair bond can quickly and easily get out of control.
Jealousy that becomes controlling or paranoid is outright ugly. The moment you notice your feelings heading in this direction, reel it in and check yourself.
In fact, paranoid control-freak jealousy can easily become the very reason a date may be pushed into the arms of another—essentially you’ll create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Playful hints of jealousy, few and far between, and when flirtatiously instigated by your date, are fine. For example, if she says, “oh he’s cute, are you jealous?”, it’s healthy and attractive to say “yes”.
However, if the next day you’re still paranoid over her comment and are pushing her for answers, you’ve gone way too far. You’ll appear insecure, weak, and controlling.
It’s okay to show small flirty hints of jealousy when she’s asking for them. Almost all other forms will kill her attraction to you.
Think differently about dating
When you take the time to assess your behaviours from previously failed dates, you likely find traces of these mistakes scattered among your encounters.
Don’t beat yourself up over these. Almost all men struggle with these issues. Indeed, many of these behaviours are exactly what we’re taught to believe women want.
Our primitive and modern brains are often in conflict. What we think we want isn’t always what we truly desire. Attraction doesn’t follow the tidy and egalitarian rules of the modern mind.
If some of these mistakes seem hard to shake, or you feel they are part of your personality, it’s wise to reassess your thinking.
Men often expect women to put effort into their appearance on a date, a prime example is the use of make-up. This is a form of visual duplicity and is a response to primitive male desires. It’s a time-consuming process and women invest hours in becoming skilled at altering and improving their appearance.
Equally, when dating, men should wear “personality make-up”—we need to adapt our behaviours to female attraction. This is an equivalent response geared towards women’s primal programming. Unfortunately, many men never invest time in developing these skills.
Men who complain about altering their behaviours on dates, or who think “being yourself” is all that’s required, are being selfish. If you genuinely hold this belief, you should also be willing to accept the reverse: your date to turning up perfume-free, wearing sweatpants, and without a jot of make-up. Both sexes make concessions to increase attraction.
Dating is an ancient game played by ancient rules. If you play by them, eventually you’ll both reach a point where relaxing and “letting your hair down” is natural. Indeed, it’s all part of the fun of falling in love.
We’ve all been on dates that seemed amazing, only to find they mysteriously fizzled-out soon after. Why does this happen?
If you’ve ever wondered why a girl suddenly went cold or stopped returning your calls, perhaps you’ve been making a few classic mistakes.
The laws of attraction are counterintuitive, many of us have spent years being told to behave one way, when in fact, in doing so you’re shooting yourself in the foot.
Romance is a strange beast indeed!
Today we’ll look at five of the most common dating mistakes and how to avoid falling foul of them. You may be surprised by just how many you’ve been making!
Don’t become a penpal
Let’s face it, in our modern world, digital communication is the default. This is especially true in the dating world. The chances are, even if you didn’t meet your date online, you’ll probably be spending plenty of your time playing text message ping pong.
Within reason, this is perfectly normal. However, too much texting is a dangerous game that has the potential to kill attraction.
Ok, I get it, messaging is easy. We all get a little dopamine buzz when that notification from a cute girl comes through—we get addicted, we want more and more. The problem is, if you become “that guy who messages all the time”, you’ll quickly become a bore. Worse still, you’re dancing on the edge of the friend-zone, and there’s a danger that you’ll become her emotional crutch, the “nice guy” she’ll turn to after the more proactive guys have broken her heart.
READ ALSO: The Top 5 profiles to avoid on DATING APPS - How to recognize everything from the fake to the undecided
If you don’t want to become her straight “gay best friend”, then you need to keep your messaging in check.
Don’t become her pen pal. Women love communication but that doesn’t mean they are attracted to it. A great deal of the magic of attraction stems from you maintaining something of an aloof mystique. Over-sharing, or texting too often, is a great way to drench the fires of attraction.
Messaging is a tool, not a goal. You should aim to use digital communication as a means to arrange future dates, to keep pushing towards real-world interactions. This is proactive and masculine. Anything less comes across as passive and weak, aka unattractive.
Better still, dispense with text messaging unless it is entirely necessary. Instead, if you’re apart and need to contact her, give her a call. This is a more confident approach and allows for more intimate interaction.
Even so, keep communication to a bare minimum and as a means to arrange real-world meetings. Less is more. The more she misses you, the more she’ll be craving to see you again.
Don’t be needy
Did you know that salt was once more expensive than gold?
Why? Because it was a rare commodity. Yet, today nobody gives salt a second thought, it has become a throw-away product; you’d certainly not keep your spices in a vault!
If you want to avoid the salty tears of rejection, the principles of scarcity are worth bearing in mind.
Scarcity raises the value of a product, and this includes you!
Women are particularly vulnerable to the sparkling appeal of rare items. This is why companies who produce limited edition collectable items are so popular with the female market. Women love to feel that the things they possess are rare, valuable, hard to get, and are desired by others.
Being needy or making yourself too available is the polar opposite of scarcity. Being too available diminishes your worth.
If you want to trigger desire and attraction in a female mind, you need to mark yourself out as rare; someone whose time is precious. Become a scarce and valuable addition to her life.
A needy man is the equivalent of a sale item in a dollar store—useful but completely undesirable.
Don’t be that guy!
Don’t be the “nice guy”
We’ve all heard nice guys come last. Aphorisms like this exist for a reason, they reflect basic universal truths about the human experience.
As with being needy, a “nice guy” is a man who is trying to sell himself, he’s trying too hard to prove himself worthy. Men of high value need not advertise their worth or grovel to women, they add value to a woman’s life simply by being themselves. Who wants “nice” when they can have great?
Furthermore, “nice” is rarely truly nice. Women have an amazing BS detector, they can see through a ruse. Most women recognize that “nice guys” are little more than sneaky guys trying to worm their way into their good books.
Don’t underestimate or belittle a woman’s intelligence, they know what men want; they understand our motivations. Women of value respect men who take ownership and pride in themselves, men who don’t need to hide their natural desires behind a sugar-coated facade.
Not being a “nice guy” doesn’t mean that you have to be a bad guy, it simply means being real—an authentic, self-respecting, and honest man.
Women aren’t perfect and they respect a man who respects himself. If she’s playing up, don’t become a simpering sycophant who considers himself a nice guy for doing so, call her out on it, honestly. Nice guys put women on a pedestal they never asked for, real men treat women as equals.
Don’t be weak and passive
“He didn’t take control”.
Many women cite this as their top complaint regarding failed first dates.
Despite what popular culture and the “new man” ideology espouse, women find weak and indecisive men a huge turn-off.
Yes, men and women are equal, and yes, a woman’s opinion is just as valuable as that of a man. However, in the dating game, we’re dealing with primitive desires, desires that were encoded into our species long before language, and aeons before fashionable, and entirely commendable, philosophies regarding egalitarianism came into being.
As a result, women still find strong, decisive, and confident men attractive. It’s hard-wired into our mating rituals.
While you should always respect and accept a woman’s needs and opinions, be ready to take the lead and to make decisions during a date. This is your role. If she doesn’t like it, she’ll soon let you know—and if she does, listen!.
Despite what some ideological gender radicals may say, this isn’t demeaning or disrespectful, quite the opposite, it’s the epitome of respect. On a date, the woman is your guest. Just as it is polite and charming to play the host for any non-romantic guests, male or female, this applies equally to the dating game.
It’s a far safer bet to trust years of biology over modern ideologies when it comes to attraction.
Be a strong and proactive man and sweep her off her feet.
Don’t be a green-eyed monster
The green-eyed monster is a tricky beast. Just like a spice, too little and you’ll appear bland, too much and you’ll be entirely repulsive.
In tiny and well-controlled amounts, jealousy is a natural part of dating, it’s a sign that you want someone, that you are invested in exclusivity. A hint of jealousy can be a huge compliment.
However, the name “green-eyed monster” is no coincidence, this natural expression of the urge to exclusively pair bond can quickly and easily get out of control.
Jealousy that becomes controlling or paranoid is outright ugly. The moment you notice your feelings heading in this direction, reel it in and check yourself.
In fact, paranoid control-freak jealousy can easily become the very reason a date may be pushed into the arms of another—essentially you’ll create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Playful hints of jealousy, few and far between, and when flirtatiously instigated by your date, are fine. For example, if she says, “oh he’s cute, are you jealous?”, it’s healthy and attractive to say “yes”.
However, if the next day you’re still paranoid over her comment and are pushing her for answers, you’ve gone way too far. You’ll appear insecure, weak, and controlling.
It’s okay to show small flirty hints of jealousy when she’s asking for them. Almost all other forms will kill her attraction to you.
Think differently about dating
When you take the time to assess your behaviours from previously failed dates, you likely find traces of these mistakes scattered among your encounters.
Don’t beat yourself up over these. Almost all men struggle with these issues. Indeed, many of these behaviours are exactly what we’re taught to believe women want.
Our primitive and modern brains are often in conflict. What we think we want isn’t always what we truly desire. Attraction doesn’t follow the tidy and egalitarian rules of the modern mind.
If some of these mistakes seem hard to shake, or you feel they are part of your personality, it’s wise to reassess your thinking.
Men often expect women to put effort into their appearance on a date, a prime example is the use of make-up. This is a form of visual duplicity and is a response to primitive male desires. It’s a time-consuming process and women invest hours in becoming skilled at altering and improving their appearance.
Equally, when dating, men should wear “personality make-up”—we need to adapt our behaviours to female attraction. This is an equivalent response geared towards women’s primal programming. Unfortunately, many men never invest time in developing these skills.
Men who complain about altering their behaviours on dates, or who think “being yourself” is all that’s required, are being selfish. If you genuinely hold this belief, you should also be willing to accept the reverse: your date to turning up perfume-free, wearing sweatpants, and without a jot of make-up. Both sexes make concessions to increase attraction.
Dating is an ancient game played by ancient rules. If you play by them, eventually you’ll both reach a point where relaxing and “letting your hair down” is natural. Indeed, it’s all part of the fun of falling in love.
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Dream specialist and psychological researcher. I'm the author of best-selling lucid dreaming guidebook, "Are You Dreaming?". I also work as a sleep science consultant and dabble in YouTube. It's my passion to share the subtleties, science, and psychology of the human experience. I also have a soft spot for dogs in hats.